though thought is a fundamental human activity, there is no consensus on what constitutes thought and how it is generated.
simply put, thought can be viewed as the product or result of spontaneous or intentional thinking.
recording ideas may be important. the essay in the book “how to be alone” by jonathan franzen describes the author’s father’s gradual loss of memory and cognitive abilities due to alzheimer’s disease, leading to his eventual death. alzheimer’s slows down the process of dying, making what was once a unified whole into a gradually occurring process: the death of autonomy, memory, self-awareness, personality, and physical body. alzheimer’s has its own unique sadness and horror, stemming from the victim’s “self” withering long before physical death.
an unexpected event occurred in my life in early 2020: an old hard drive where i saved my past digital documents broke. i had always wanted to buy a server with multiple backup options but never did — i bought one the day after the hard drive broke, but it was too late — i paid a hefty fee to a data recovery company to recover the data. although i don’t yet have alzheimer’s or show any signs, i know my memory is poor, and many things may never be accurately and completely recalled without record or reminder.
alzheimer’s is like a computer virus, a type that destabilizes the data in a computer, causing it to gradually be lost or transformed. this virus may also impact the processor’s computational and verification abilities, leading it to unknowingly lose its capacity for accurate calculation. considering that such a virus could also affect me (even without alzheimer’s, i already forget or remember things incorrectly), i think i should start recording some ideas. as mentioned, the death of memory and thought could be a very core part of the dying process, and my survival instinct drives me to record those important thoughts. in some perspectives, i am my thoughts, and even if my thoughts are not my entire existence, they are certainly one of the most important parts.
sometimes i find recording and sharing to be very shy endeavors. i don’t know who will see these records, but i think a future version of myself will at least be one of the audience, possibly the one i least know how to face: he knows very much, in great detail, about me (fortunately, due to memory issues, he may not remember all the details about his past self, which is me), so i have almost nothing to hide from him while knowing nothing about him. on one hand, i hope the future me as a reader is similar to the current me, making me feel familiar and close; on the other, i hope the future me becomes someone i can’t currently imagine, more novel, complex, interesting, and rich.
so, beginning to record is a very brave act for me. it means i start to face myself and start to face a future being who knows today’s me incredibly well.
related: eye contact
10/2020
